The Mental Battle
I am Angry!
"Lord, I am angry. You are asking too much from me! I can't bear it! Any of these things (hysterectomy, ovarian cancer, broken arm) may have been tolerable by themselves, but all together, they are not! YOU could have kept them from happening at the same time. Why didn't you?" As I penned these words in my journal, I felt guilty. I knew that this wasn't the attitude that I was supposed to have. But, just as David poured out his heart to God, I emptied my heart too. After all, it wasn't a secret to God. He knew how I was feeling.
Psalm 44 verses 23-26 says exactly what I was feeling.
"Get up, God! Are you going to sleep all day? Wake up! Don't you care what happens to us? Why do you bury your face in the pillow? Why pretend that things are just fine with us? And here we are-flat on our faces in the dirt, held down with a boot on our necks. Get up and come to our rescue. If you love us so much, help us!"
My head said that I should be thanking Him for the successful surgeries, that they found the cancer early and for the excellent doctors who had a plan to combat the cancer. But, I was just recovering from all that when I broke my arm. I felt I had had enough! After talking with God about my frustration and anger, I felt calmer and ready to listen. Sometimes we just have to pour it all out. I am so thankful for a relationship with my Lord that makes it possible for me to share my heart with Him.
I opened my Bible and listened for an encouraging word. Here is what I read. (Psalm 31:15) "My times are in your (God's) hands." I knew that, I just lost sight of it! (James 1:19-20) "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the life that God desires." Oh boy, I need to change that!
Isn't it great how scripture just meets you right where you are? Then I prayed, "Create in me a clean heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." (Ps. 51) I confessed my anger and selfishness and looked to Jesus to be in control. Although I knew in my head that He was in control, now my heart was ready to surrender as well. Now, this didn't happen in just a matter of minutes, it took some time, but it was definitely a better place for my mind to dwell. I believe that a stress free, positive attitude and a big dose of hope really can help you when you are dealing with cancer. I know that this change of heart really helped me move forward.
I love this quote I found in a book called Serenity. "Accepting the things you cannot change, may be one of the most difficult determinations you will ever make. Your first response may be to try to find a way out of your difficulty. But, the only thing you may be able to change is the way you respond."
I pray that you will find yourself in a serene place after the storm of anger.
I Peter 5:6 and 7 says, "Humble yourselves before God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. After you have suffered a little while, He will restore you and make you string, firm and steadfast."
I am waiting for restoration!